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We like porn. Many an evening we have curled up on the couch together with the laptop and watched videos until it was time for bed or we just couldn't keep our hands of each other any longer, whichever came first. Now, it bears mention that most of the porn we watch is free stuff that we find on Youporn or similar sites. Though, we keep finding sites that we would love to subscribe to if we had the extra cash, and maybe someday we will. But I digress. The point is, we watch a fair amount of porn, most of which is okay but not great, and could be vastly improved if they would just listen to us.
So, without further adieu, here are 10 things we would like to say to the folks who make these videos...
1. Spit ≠ Lube
This is my biggest pet peeve, by far. It fills me with something akin to irrational rage. Every time I see a girl spit on her partners genitals to lubricate them, I want to smack her. Maybe some people have a thing for spitting and actually think this is hot, but I decidedly do not. You know what would be hot? Actually using LUBE.
2. As a general rule, things that are not body parts or toys do not belong in someone's body.
I can't watch someone being penetrated with a random household object and actually enjoy it. I'm far too distracted thinking of all the ways in which rubbing your clit with a wooden spoon or inserting a small, glass bottle into someone's vagina is a really bad idea. Don't you think splinters might be an issue? Did you sterilize that thing? What if it breaks? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHERE THAT THING HAS BEEN?
It makes me feel like a parent watching a bunch of toddlers who are at that age where they like to stick everything in the mouth, and I feel like I should smack them on the hand and tell them "No, no. That's dirty. Ick." I mean, really.
And considering the vast array of awesome sex toys available that are actually made for this purpose, there is really no excuse. If you're doing it for the taboo, to be edgy and unique, why not spring for the Jesus dildo instead?
3. Yes, you do need lube.
If I'm going to see any sort of anal action, I want to see lube being used. End of story. No exceptions. Otherwise I'm just going to cringe thinking about how uncomfortable that has to be. And that's not sexy.
4. A sex swing in a "dungeon" does not a bondage video make.
I don't care how bleak and foreboding the background looks, how many chains there are hanging from the ceiling, how much latex/pvc/leather the performers are wearing, if no one is tied up, it isn't bondage. A sex swing is not a bondage tool. It can certainly be used as such, but you're not using it that way, don't call it that, damn it. False advertisement is really irritating.
5. Sanitation is sexy.
Folks, it is never, ever, ever, okay to take something out of someones butt and stick it in their vag without cleaning the hell out of it first. Never. It is definitely not okay to alternate between the two, willy-nilly, whenever the mood strikes. Vag, ass, ass, vag, ass, vag, NO. YOU. SHOULD. NOT. DO. THIS. For the same reason you should always wipe from front to back and not the other way around. The various bacterias and things that hang out in your intestines do not get along well with your lady bits and will cause nasty, unpleasant infections. You do not want this, and I really hate to see things like this portrayed in porn. There is nothing sexy about stupidly unsanitary activities. Speaking of which...
6. STOP. LICKING. THAT. ASSHOLE.
This is just a major squick for me, especially if there's no dental dam. It's not sanitary. It might feel pleasant but it just seems terribly selfish and uncaring. Unless your partner happens to enjoy licking buttholes, in which case YOU SHOULD STILL BE USING A DENTAL DAM. See above.
7. Being a bitch does not make you a Domme.
Yes, you can be a bitch while being a domme. Sometimes you need to be. But being bitchy is not what being a domme is about. And this is something that makes Mistress want to smack a bitch. :)
8. If it's categorized as "lesbian" porn, there had better not be a penis in it.
I'm a lesbian. I find women attractive. Adult women with lovely lady parts. Not men. That's why I'm not bi. Some people are and that's wonderful. Really, truly wonderful. But if I'm looking for lesbian porn, there had better not be any organic penises around. Fakes are totally welcome.
9. Latex and PVC are not the same thing.
Yes, they're both shiny. But latex is so much hotter. And like the lesbian porn with the cocks in it, I'm really unhappy when I click on something that promises me latex and serves up PVC. Thanks for nothing, Buzzkillington.
10. We can tell when you're faking it.
Everyone's different, true. But there's nothing attractive about fake orgasms, ladies. I say ladies because I can't imagine how a guy could fake it. :\